This past month, I've felt so distant from God. It's something I've always struggled with. There is something wired in me (a lie) that believes I must be cool and collected or have everything together before I come and spend time with the "Almighty." I'm not sure where or when that was taught to me, or if I just created that belief on my own. And even though I know it's not true, in the midst of pain, I find myself believing it. I'm in one of these places, and Jim's talking about it.
Jim presents scripture on how God is after us. My prideful heart starts to melt a little as I realize how desperately I need to understand in a new and deeper way what he's talking about. He goes on, and shares a story from his own life and asks us to think of a time from our own lives when we experienced God's initiation of pursuit of us. I think of a time, and thank the Lord, but there is something about to break, and I'm not sure what.
Jim gives a lead in for his second point: "He wants us to seek Him!" There it is...great...here comes the shame, guilt, feeling distant again, this...this is what I was afraid of...I thought and smirked my lips in disappointment...not towards Jim, but myself...also thinking...Okay dude, you got it comming...you're "time with Jesus" track record hasn't been all that great lately. I was still all ears, but like hands that fly up just before a car crash, I was listening.
Then, the curve ball of truth happened. You know those times when you tell a buddy, or a parent, or your wife that you've hurt them and you're sorry, expecting a punch or a drop kick to the face, but you don't get it? Instead, you get, "I forgive you, I love you." It doesn't happen all that often, but when it does it almost makes you feel worse and all better at the same time? It's...sobering. Jim cocked back a strong arm, steading himself, and thru the curve ball of Luke chapter 17 right in my face. I was mortally wounded and will forever be changed.
"Do you remember the story about the ten lepers?" Of course I do. I didn't, but nodded anyway...as a pastor of a church, you should know all the stories. He goes on. "Remember how Jesus had ten lepers come with him (he went on to describe how horrible leprosy was...which I remember from watching Braveheart). Ten lepers come to Jesus and ask to be healed and Jesus says, "Present yourselves to the council in Jerusalem," and so they went, and as they went, they were healed. Jim spoke of how much faith they had, which was cool, but then he said this: "Do you remember what happens next? One of the lepers runs back to Jesus, throws himself at his feet and worships him. and do you remember what Jesus said?" I didn't. "He said, didn't I send ten of you? Where are the other nine?" Then the ball hit the glove and I had swung and missed. "Jesus was sad." Jim said.
During communion, I shared with Robin and we prayed together. I cried and cried, and I repented. "Forgive me father for how I bargain my time with you...Oh I didn't get up in time this morning, so I'll just grab 10 min later...I think you'd rather me skip the thing and just be present with you." I prayed more, but don't remember what. The point is, that I need Jesus, and he wants me.
NOTE: The above image taken from google images.
