About three weeks ago, the man, Jesus of Nazareth exploded in my heart. For the past decade, and seemingly my entire life, I've been crying on the inside, cloaked in self hatred and feeling worthless. I have lived with the terrible and extremely logical lie that God only loves those who are flawless. He prefers the china in the cabinet than the broken pot lying desolate on the floor. That lie has kept me blinded to the gospel of grace embodied in the last sigh of a man who chose death in exchange for my life.It was another weekend at "the Ranch." My good friend Marcus ever so often rallies some of us together to enjoy the beautiful hill country and Perdinallis river that is his in-laws ranch. It was a typical weekend there (if I may call anything we do at the ranch "typical"). We had stayed up late playing poker, worshiping God (these types of things go hand in hand there). I woke up early on Saturday morning and put my feet to the rocky path that led beside the river. Fumbling through my iPod, and with a great yawn, my thumb found something that didn't belong in my music library. "1992-1993" was the title of the curious album, and in moments I found the artist name as "Brennan Manning." "This is that podcast I downloaded for Robin to listen to." I thought to myself. Reading the title, "Experiencing and Responding to God's Great Love" I decided I should listen to it. Dangerous discision.
What preceded, has authentically and irreversably been the experience of recieving a new heart. A heart that finally after 29 years of thinking God didn't care about me unless I was doing either something for him, or at least obstaining from some sin, caught the glimps of his truth, that he comes to where I live and loves me as I am, not as I should be. Because no one is as they "should" be. I have heard throughout my life that "God loves me," that "God is love," that "God so loved the world that he gave his only son." I have sang the songs, answered the questions in heart felt study of his word, and I've even told other people the same thing. But rarely have I ever experienced it. Rarely have I tasted its wildness. It's almost scary how much he loves us. It's unfair, radical, pure, and he can't help himself.
Now everything in scripture, on the radio, through my window, in every person's eye, I see this echo of deep unquenchable, unconditional love. It's broken the power of addiction off my life, brought healing to the deepest parts of my being, and it's broken me to the core.
I have spent the last couple of years searching for purpose. I even picked up, The Purpose Driven Life. All of it seems so silly in this old love I've newly discovered. Knowing the truth that God loves me come hell or high water makes "purpose" unattractive to me. To reach beyond this new essential purpose, "To love and me loved by God," is something I don't have much desire for. I would be happy if I just stayed here the rest of my life. Because out of the overflow of knowing that I'm loved, has come great confidence to walk on the water of life. I do believe I'll find myself doing great things in life and having great "purpose" but it will not be because I think those great things define me or have any effect on my life's meaning. It will simply be because now that I've tasted of God's love, I don't care about anything else.
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One morning I began to write down scriptures that speak of God's great love on white heart shaped peices of paper and display them all over the house for my wife and I to have the experience that we are surrounded in God's love. I figured she'd keep them up a day and then take them down. She likes a clean house. That was over a week ago.
